Mr. Cyprian Emeka and Mrs. Laticia Uche Okonkwo, who hail from Ukpor in Nnewi South Local Government area of Anambra State have been married for 36 years and are blessed with six children. CY, as he’s popularly called, is an evangelist, while Uche is a marriage counsellor. Both belong to the People of Praise, Catholic Charismatic Renewal of Nigeria (CCRN), St. Theresa’s Catholic Church, Catholic Archdiocese of Jos.
As an evangelist, 68-year-old CY and Uche, who is 52, have impacted on the lives of both young and old couples within and outside the church.
In this interview with JUDE OWUAMANAM, the Okonkwos, who went into marriage quite early in life, share the secrets of their long union.
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How and where did you meet your wife?
Evang Cyprian: When I knew that I was ripe for marriage, I went to the village and told my parents. It’s the tradition during our time to allow your parents to make a choice for you, unlike what obtains today. So the search began. I met my wife when she was very young. I don’t know if my wife was even up to 15 or 16 years. She was in secondary school then. You know sometimes it baffles me that children of this days, when they want to marry, even where they go out for merriment, they just see a lady and pick her up. In our days, it was not done like that. They kept searching until they saw my wife. In those days, you may not know your wife but the family she’s coming from mattered a lot. They told me there’s one beautiful girl in this family and they described her family. The first day I met her, I went to her school with one of my relations who knew her family. When I saw her, her beauty caught my fancy. And since I knew the character of the family; that she was brought up from a very good God-fearing family, it was not difficult for me to arrive at the conclusion that she’d make a good wife. But initially she rebuffed my moves, but we went through her parents and that made it easier for us. So that that was how we met and from then finally we agreed with each other and I married her.
And prior to this time, you hadn’t met her?
Evang Cyprian: I had not met her before. That was the first time I met her.
So what gave you the confidence that she’d be a good wife?
Evang Cyprian: What gave me the confidence was that, one, she’s a young girl and two, I knew the family background. I knew her mother and I knew her father. Again, one of her aunties is married in my village. So that’s what I told you, marriage is like a cult, once you enter into it, whatever you see, you take. But my belief before I married her is that no matter what happens, she has been raised up from a good family.
Madam, why did you rebuff him initially? Was it that you were trying to be hard to get or you didn’t like him?
Mrs Laticia: Well, first of all, I saw him when I was in secondary school, Utu Girls High School. That’s where I saw him for the first time. He came to see me; it’s like he was directed to come and see me by someone that knows me very well. So when he saw me, he liked me, and said he wanted to know my house, I refused. I was very young then and marriage was the least on my mind. He insisted on dropping me at home after school, but I still refused because I was afraid of what the reactions of my parents would be. So when he gave me a lift with my fellow students, I insisted that he drop me on the way, before my house. I didn’t want him to know my house. I was there waiting for them to pass my house before I entered my house. It was funny. So, that’s how I met him.
So prior to that time, did you notice him or had anyone introduced him to you in any way?
Mrs Laticia: No, I didn’t know him. Rather somebody introduced me to him. He just came to my school, the person told him about me so he saw me and he liked me.
Someone you had never met, when he came to see you in school, what was running through your mind?
Mrs Laticia: Actually, he didn’t say anything about marriage that day. What happened was that I saw someone I knew in that car. In fact, two of them, and I didn’t know they are his sisters but I knew them. And I so much love those two ladies. One is his sister and another, his cousin. So I had no reason to fear.
You’ve been married for such a long time. What has made your marriage a successful story?
Evang Cyprian: At least, I have been in marriage for up to 36 years now and the truth of the matter is marriage is an institution that is like a cult. And it’s something that if you go in, you don’t expect to come out. But what has helped me since that time, up till now, is being a Christian. Christianity is very important to marriage because if you are not a Christian, you may not tolerate what is coming out of marriage. Sometimes I may misbehave, and you know, being human, the Bible said that the heart of man is somehow deceitful. So your heart may be doing something that is right to you, but that is not right in marriage. But when you remember that the person in your marriage is not a saint and that likewise you are not a saint, it will be make your association more functional. Sometimes my wife would flare up or do something that will make us quarrel, but after quarrelling, we would settle. Sometimes I may be the cause of the quarrel and within me I would be thinking that I’m right, maybe if that thing brings too much problem between us, we would share with another person. We talk over it and settle. We may be angry with each other for a period but at the back of my mind, I already know that I’ve married my wife and forever and I don’t have intention to divorce. We have six children and the last one is 23 years, a graduate now waiting to go for service. Others have all graduated and are married. It’s only my last daughter that is not married. So, for the long time I’ve been married, you can see that we have been passionate with each other for long. But all I know is that I love my wife and we are together and in fact it’s these latter days that we do understand our marriage better and this is helping us.
When the kids started coming, what was it like? What started changing?
Mrs Laticia: You know life itself is a learning process. I was not used to it, you understand? But we have to go on and as more kids came, they became a binding force. But he’s still living a youthful life while you the woman will be the one suffering everything. But at this stage, everything has changed. He’s no longer young. In fact, at this stage, he cannot even stay without us, that even when we travel, he would like to come and stay with us in the village
As a young man who just went into a marriage, what were the difficulties you encountered, and how were you able to surmount them?
Evang Cyprian: The difficulties I faced was just maybe my own fault because you know when you’re a young man, we have been bubbling in life. When you marry like a young man, you think that that things will continue to be the same way you have been living, going out any time you like, coming back any time you like, that is a little difficulty we have. My first quarrel with my wife was that my friends will come and we still go out to enjoy ourselves and come back late. She would be frowning. And being a man, I would be angry and ask her why she was frowning at me. Why is it that I can’t go out? Because I married you now, you begin to cage me at home. And you know women, before you know it, she would frown. And the next thing, you go out to look for women, and sometimes we did that. But after we realised our mistakes, we would settle again. And it continued like that. Then I begin to know her, and she began to know me. My wife is kind of person that has a temper. So when she boils, she can talk. She can talk and call you names, but when you see that you may be at fault, after calling you names, we carried the malice for a week or two, sometimes even a month. We might not be on talking terms even though we sleep in the same place. And finally, we would settle again.
So it was a little difficult initially because those were very serious issues in my marriage that could cause anyone to say, I’m not marrying again.
What are those factors that have made you two stay in the marriage?
Evang Cyprian: Compatibility in marriage is key. The fact is, just as I said to you, being a Christian, when something of this nature happens sometimes, maybe she may relate to one of our other brother in the Lord or sister in the Lord, they may call us and try to mediate. But after all said and done, they would beg us to forgive each other, she would apologise, and I will apologise, they would pray for us, and we would continue to live together. So now, remembering that I am a Christian, you don’t need to carry malice till the next day. So, sometimes, and especially being a prayer warrior, being a minister, who always goes to counsel people – and I am a marriage counsellor – you cannot give what you don’t have. Or you’re doing the opposite of what you’re telling the people. That’s not good.
So, my calling as a minister shaped me to at least, no matter what the devil wants to use to scatter my marriage, I always remember that what is in me is enough to advise me to be calm. So apologising to each other, and the understanding that she will never be me, neither will I be her, has helped. So when I see her weak points and weaknesses, I condone and accept it. Likewise, she’s condoned mine and we were able to talk things over. But the work God has given to us to succeed now, we have learned how to apologise.
How is your husband food-wise? Is he choosy?
Mrs Laticia: No. But I like him for that. As far as the food is good, he’ll eat. He doesn’t eat out. He likes eating at home, even when he was a young man. Wherever he goes out, he still comes back and demand his food. Whatever he eats out there doesn’t matter, he must eat at home. So I like him for that. And he’s not that choosy.
So there was never a time he rejected your food because the food was bad or you did something wrong?
Mrs Laticia: My husband is wonderful. That’s how he does it, unless you make the food somehow. He doesn’t like very hard swallow; he likes soft swallow. For when you make it very hard, he will not reject it, but he will not eat, and once he does not eat, he will not be happy. If he’s not happy, you yourself will not relax now, so you have to make things right. And I do care. I don’t play with his food.
One thing they say is that the way to a man’s heart is his stomach. How satisfied are you with your wife’s culinary skills? Is she a good cook?
Evang Cyprian: She is excellent. She is excellent. If you want to let her bring my dinner then we can taste. She knows how to cook. And thank God, she increased the more. She can cook for events, for people. God blessed me with that.
Has there been a time you rejected your wife’s food.
Evang Cyprian: Yeah, if I remember, that’s the art of manliness, out of annoyance during some of those misunderstandings. It’s not that the food is not sweet, but I might have rejected the food to show my annoyance.
In these 37 years, what would you attribute as the key to your success in marriage?
Evang Cyprian: As I told you, apart from understanding each other, the major thing is God. God is helping us, as we are Christians. So whenever the devil wants to enter to my marriage, I know what to use to always thrash things out. If I’m a Christian, I’m supposed to overcome it.
What advice would you give to young couples?
Evang Cyprian: The advice I give to young couples is to be patient with each other. What young couples don’t know in marriage is that your wife can never be you. You are a different person. Bringingk two different people together and saying you must be one. The Bible said it. And being Christians, we believe in it. The only thing that young couples fail to understand is that things that you saw in your wife from the first beginning, if you continue to reflect it in your mind, it will lead you to a better marriage. It will lead you throughout your lifetime in your marriage, throughout the time that God has destined for you to be together. Even if God destined for you to live up to 100 years together, if you remember that that woman is the person that you love, no matter what happens, then God will help you.
Two keys to success in marriage; prayer and patience. We know that the divorce is never on our agenda.
The post The Okonkwos: How we’ve weathered marital storms for 36 years and counting appeared first on The Sun Nigeria.
